Never Did No Harm
by Kruup ja Tang
Summary: Marauders in their seventh year. James seducing Lily, Peter's secret lovemuffin and Sirius and Remus developing a relationship of their own.
1. You're a whole bad mistake

Author's Note: this chapter is written by Tang a.k.a. cerzee. The next one will be Kruup's creation. Hope you still want to read it after reading mine, because Kruup is much funnier and better writer than me.

Disclaimer: We don't own JK's characters, though we wouldn't mind. The titles are from different songs by Gorillaz, an amazing band.

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King's Cross, platform nine and three quarters was crowded as hell. Shrieking and extremely irritated owls locked in their cages, the students saying good-bye to their families, old friends greeting each other, voices loud in excitement. It was September the first in 1976 and Hogwarts express was about to depart. The young wizards and witches hurried on the train, two 17-year-old boys among them. 

One had shoulder-length dark hair and very handsome features. Many passing girls smiled to him and when he acknowledged them with a blink or a slight nod, they blushed and giggled together with their girlfriends.

The other lad had black extremely messy hair and round glasses. He was a bit shorter and skinnier, but still looked quite impressive. He didn't seem to notice the girls at all; instead he was eagerly searching for someone in the crowd.

The taller boy saw a couple coming towards them. A black haired woman in her thirties and a bit older man who was carrying an overstuffed suitcase with a few socks tangling out.

"Oy! Your parents are here!" he said, nudging his oblivious friend with an elbow. "Thanks, Mr Potter," he said, taking the trunk and putting it into his trolley. The bespectacled boy's mother sighed and glanced them both suspiciously.

"Got your luggage? Owls? Good. Well, you should go now. And don't get into trouble! Merlin knows that the letter I got last year gave me a few early grey hair. What were you thinking, turning every single slytherin into a puffskein? Gosh! They could've expelled you." She turned to the taller boy. "Siri, could you keep an eye on James? I don't want him to ruin his chances only a few months before graduation."

"Yeah, sure he would, if he wasn't busy preparing his next prank himself!" her son said, laughing.

"Oh, shut it! Of course I will, Mrs Potter! I'll keep him away from trouble, even if I have to use desperate means such as pitchforks, whips and Snape's underwear." His friend hissed and pretended to be backing away.

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh yes I would!"

"Well, it's not exactly what I had in mind," Mrs Potter said, smilingly. "But use whatever you want, as long as it works, dear."

"Oy! Mum! I'm your son, remember? You should be defending me!"

"Maybe she's sorry she has such a whiny little wuss for a son?" Sirius suggested.

"Who are you calling a wuss, you little miss goody-goody-two-shoes?" James demanded, grabbing his friend by his jacket.

"Knock it off, boys! The train is leaving!" Mr Potter yelled. Both Potters grabbed a few suitcases and started running towards the already whistling train. The boys followed them, throwing their luggage in and jumping on the moving train. They stood on the door, waving farewell until they lost sight of the couple they both had for parents. Then they went in search for their "other half", Remus and Peter. They had already checked about half of the compartments when they heard angry voices and saw various colours flashing from an opened door. They exchanged glances and rushed towards it.

"Having fun?" James asked, chuckling. The sight was worth to see. Severus Snape, a skinny pale nerd from Slytherin was trying to hex Remus, who had grown quite tall by the summer. He didn't seem to succeed, though. Remus was dodging too quickly and blessed his opponent with equal amount of curses. Peter, in the other hand, was struggling to defend himself from another Slytherin boy whom Sirius instantly recognized as his little brother Regulus. Peter's face was covered with revolting yellow boils and was constantly hit with some sort of electric shocks the other boy cast with a lazy flick of his wand. Sirius rushed to them, pointing his wand at his despised sibling.

"Relashio!"

Regulus got hit by fiery sparks causing his clothes and hair to burst into flames. He ran out, screaming. Sirius had a devil grin on his face. Snape looked at him and the elder Black boy looked back. Severus raised his wand as did Sirius and the time seemed to stop for about ten seconds. Then James lost his nerve and shouted: "Mulier In Rufus Ornatus!"

Snape's school robes were instantly replaced with a red knee-length cocktail dress and matching high-heeled shoes.

"You're going to pay for that one, Potter!" he yelled, hitting the gryffindor with his elegant scarlet purse and marching out of the compartment. The Marauders laughed except for Sirius, who seemed like Christmas had come four months earlier. James looked at his friend with a confused look on his face.

"Why the hell didn't you curse him when you had a chance?" he asked Sirius. The other boy didn't answer at first, helping up Peter, who had collapsed on the floor, twitching from the aftershocks of Regulus's spell.

"Well, I thought I'd leave good old Snivellus to you and you sure did a remarkable job with him. Hey, did you see dear little Reggie storm out? Merlin, what a sight! A pleasant way to start a new year, eh guys?" Sirius said, changing the subject.

"Um, not really!" said Peter. Remus stood in front of him, mumbling a spell and waving his wand, making the ugly yellow ulcers disappear. James eyed Sirius suspiciously, but didn't say anything. Then he looked at Remus. The lycanthrope looked quite healthy considering his illness. He was tanned and the dark circles around his eyes were gone. He had also grown a goat beard, which made him look older than any of them. 'Wait a minute!' he thought. 'Remus with a beard?'

"Moony! What's that thing doing on your face?"

"What? Oh, you mean the beard? I thought it'd make me look more... you know… grown-up. Why? Is it that bad?"

"Um… no, just never thought you cared about your appearance that much." James said.

"Moony? You wouldn't be trying to impress a girl, would you, old boy?" Sirius asked Remus, exchanging amused looks with James.

"Not really, but hey, I wouldn't mind it!" He sat on one of the seats, sighing in content.

"Guys, we're finally going back to Hogwarts! And we are seventh years now. Think of the possibilities!" Everyone's eyes widened.

"What's gotten into you, Moony? First you fight Snivellus using a few quite nasty jinxes and now you look forward to pulling pranks and night time wanderings!" James said, sounding quite approving. Remus smiled.

"It's not like Snivellus got hit by them, right? He's a bastard, but a fast one. And he started it!" he said with an angel face.

"What happened here anyway?" Sirius asked.

"Well, we were just putting away our trunks when Snivellus strode in with your little brother on his heels." Peter explained. "Funny, he seemed a bit disappointed when he saw that there were just the two of us and he asked what happened to the rest of our disgraceful herd. Remus jumped up and pointed his wand at the damned bloke and they started to fight. Then Regulus attacked me. And you know the rest."

"They can't even wait until the feast has ended?" James asked. "Well if it's war they want, it's war they get!" Everyone mumbled in agreement. Sirius stood up.

"Excuse me, gentlemen, I have to go to the loo." He left the compartment, but instead of going to the boy's room, he started looking into the compartments again. Just as he shut the door of another one their classmates from Ravenclaw had occupied, he saw Severus standing next to him, once again in his black robes and extremely angry.

"We need to talk. Now!" Sirius knew better than not to obey. Severus wasn't someone to push around. It was he who pushed the others around.

"Where?"

"There's an empty compartment over there." He led the way and held the door open for Sirius. The gryffindor stepped in. Severus closed the door and stood in front of him, looking at him silently, his eyes speaking of disappointment and anger. Then, without a word, he slapped the other boy on his cheek.

"How dare you treat me like worthless garbage?"

"What are you talking about, sugar quill?" Sirius asked, surprised.

"Don't you sugar quill me, woman! You made a promise and apparently you didn't keep it! Why else did they attack me?"

"Hey! You were the one who called us 'a disgraceful herd'!"

"I wanted to test them, to know if you told them or not. Apparently you didn't!" Severus spat.

"Come on, honey, I didn't want to write about such a matter! And as I recall, you reached them earlier than I did!"

"You could've told Potter! You stayed at his place for the whole summer! And even if you couldn't, wasn't it the best moment for telling them about us? You just had to ruin it! Why did you have to set Regulus on fire?"

"Because he was torturing my friend! Hell, bitch, don't you come accusing me while looking for trouble yourself before even reaching Hogwarts!" Sirius yelled.

"I see it now. You cherish your friends more than you do me. Well, guess what, there are plenty of boys looking for a nice, healthy relationship with loving and tender man like me! If you can't get over your embarrassment and tell your friends about your feelings for me, fine! I'll find someone who will treat me with true love and respect."

"No, Severus, don't! I'll tell them! I'll do anything! Please, don't leave me, sugar quill, not after what we've shared!"

"It's over, Sirius. We were not meant to be. I guess we should turn back to old hating and bloodletting relationship now."

"Severus, please! I even put on the underwear you gave me! Don't you want to see me in those little pink panties?" Sirius said with a tempting voice.

"You did?" Severus whispered huskily. Then he shook his head to clear his mind and went to the door, stopping before opening it and looking back at the broken boy kneeling on the floor.

"No, Siri. We're done. Maybe I should seduce your little brother? He didn't seem to need much coaxing!"

"NO! Not Regulus! That's not fair! He always got the goodies!"

"Well, maybe he deserved them more than you did?" Severus offered. "Good bye, Sirius Black!" With that he went out, leaving the gryffindor alone. He sat there, shocked.

'Severus didn't just dump me. I was not abandoned by a slytherin who prefers my own brother! Oh fuck it! Well, Snivellus, I'll get over you. And I'll pay you back, so beware!'

He went back to his friends, intending to have a good time despite his 'little encounter' with Severus.

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Author's notes: Well, enough of me. Let's all hope that Kruup will update soon! 

Tang


	2. I saw that day, lost my mind

**Author's Note:** After a long time of lingering, I, Kruup (also known as LeeMei, the Ultimate Procrastinator), have pulled my act together and written something that, I believe, may be called a new chapter, together from our little RPG.

My little Tang, my noble steed Uno. I'm sorry I let you down by waiting for so long with this. I hope you enjoy this chapter, even though you already know what's coming next.

**Disclaimer:** May I disclaim this chapter? The hell with it, I/we own none of the characters, much to mine/our frustration, really. And the title isn't mine/ours either.

Chapter deux - I saw that day, lost my mind

The Great Hall was bustling with activity and laughter as the headmaster's just-held speech had left them in a good mood. The students had to admit that if there was one thing Dumbledore was exceptionally good at it was giving speeches both informative and humorous.

The Marauders were sitting in their usual place, in the center of the Gryffindor table. James, Remus and Peter had noticed that Sirius was especially grim that day, but decided not to say anything. Over the past seven years they had known each other, they had learned to keep clear and give the disgruntled one some privacy. Sirius was sullenly staring at his plate while the other three were laughing at one of Dumbledore's joke about a witch, a vampire and a goblin. A typical wizard joke but highly amusing nevertheless.

Sirius sighed heavily as he turned around to scan the Slytherin table not far from theirs. He narrowed his eyes when he saw Severus sitting next to Regulus and - could it be? - having fun. They both seemed rather chummy, the sight was something Sirius would never in million years had imagined. That was beyond low - ditching one brother and as an act of revenge, going after the other? Sirius gritted his teeth, trying to figure out what would be the best punishment for the traitorous pair. Of course Regulus had to pay as well, the little twit had always wanted Sirius's toys, why was this any different? And just as Regulus desiring Sirius's playthings, a semi-violent lesson not to touch the older brother's things was also part of the tradition in the Black family.

Padfoot tapped his index finger on his chin, plotting. He smirked as he believed he had found, if not the perfect, then an interesting revenge at least. For a moment, he hesitated whether to shout the hex, letting everyone know that he, Sirius Black, was behind it and he will take no crap from anyone, or try to keep a low profile, possibly practice silent spells even. The little mischievous and hungry for attention puppy inside Sirius slowly rose its head and he knew what he had to do. He grabbed his wand and calmly stood up. A few people noticed him, even wondered what the bloke was now up to, but they said nothing.

James turned away from Remus with whom he had a heated discussion on the topic of the library and whether it was alright to use the books for things other that what they were meant to be used for, looked up at his friend and furrowed: "Padfoot, mate? What a-"

Sirius cut him off by pointing his wand at Regulus and shouting: "Elimo capillo!" He turned around and sat down, not taking a glance at his victim. The gasps, laughs and shouts told him everything he needed to know - the spell worked. He smiled happily when he heard his younger brother scream like that Alice-girl, a third year Slytherin, when she was attacked by a herd of Puffskeins who Sirius had smuggled into Hogwarts two years ago. No one knew exactly why those normally harmless beasts attacked her but people figured Sirius had spend some time working the little buggers up.

Nearly everyone's eyes were fixed upon the younger Black. Regulus's hair started growing in an immense speed. Regulus's black hair were now down to his knees and still growing. His hair had become even thicker, so he reminded a big ball of black hair. Many muggle-born students reckoned that the younger Black resembled cousin Itt, a muggle comic character who was nothing but hair. Others weren't familiar with this comic, so they just thought that this incident was bloody hilarious. Severus Snape next to him was looking at the poor bloke, eyes widened, not sure how to react.

Regulus continued screaming and deafening those around him. He stood up and tried to storm out of the Great Hall to escape the humiliation of being hexed by his own brother. But he soon had to admit that running away wasn't as easy task as he had imagined in his head. The hair that was now so long it trailed the boy like a love-sick fifth year girl had the nasty habit to get in his way. On his way out, he stumbled several times. By the time he was at the door, he resembled an overgrown fur ball.

Most of the staff tried to suppress their laughter, after all they had to set an example and they doubted laughing at a helpless student was the right thing to do. And yet, none of them made the attempt to go and rescue Regulus. Actually, they were enthralled to see what was to happen. Surely Sirius couldn't get away with it that easily? Surely the house of Slytherin was filled with girls and boys who wouldn't let the Gryffindor insult their housemate like that? The students didn't notice that at the staff table, money was travelling from one hand to another. The professors had a small bet on what was going to happen next. All the teachers quietly sent their money to Dumbledore who was the middleman of their little wagers. Excitement ruled at the staff table.

James patted Sirius on his back and roared with laughter: "Good show, old chap."

Sirius grinned victoriously as Peter leaned forward to shake his hand. "Not your best work, I have to admit, but Sirius, this was once in a lifetime thing. Fan-bloody-tastic."

Remus, in the other hand, wasn't so enthralled. He disliked personal vendettas like that, attacking unsuspecting victims. He firmly believed in honest duels, the only way to settle things between rivals. He shook it off as he decided not to delve into Sirius's mind that was clearly chaotic. After all, he had to admit that the giant fur ball did look ridiculous.

While most of the students were amused by the sight, the Slytherins growled with anger. The Great Git of Gryffindor had once again decided to show that he was above the rest of them. And of course, Dumbledore, the old coot, did nothing. Figures, many of the Slytherins thought, after all, Black was one of his favourite students. He could get away with nearly everything. So they had to go after justice themselves.

But no one was more pissed off than Severus. Obviously, Sirius wanted to demonstrate that he owned Snape and his younger brother should keep off. Severus hated this kind of attitude more than anything, Sirius kept taking him for granted. He stood up, pointed his wand at his ex and cried out furiously: "Lemniscus coma discolor!"

A few moments later, Sirius looked like a multicolored pom-pom. His black hair had turned into something terribly odd, into a rainbow gone wrong. Everyone held their breaths, expecting Black to flip, but he had once again surprised them. He stayed calm, conjured a mirror, glanced at his image and burst out laughing. "I expected much more from you, Snivellus," he stated. He examined his reflection, adjusted his hair a bit and told comfortably: "I think I'll leave it this way for a while."

Severus growled and strode out of the doors. And at the staff table, several teachers gave a content whoot. Apparently they had won ten galleons, each. But none of the students paid any attention to them as Sirius was still there, admiring his looks.

"Don't I look ravishing?" he asked his friends but without waiting for their reply, he left the hall.

James's mouth had fallen open as he watched the ridiculous-looking Padfoot strolling out of the Great Hall. He turned to Remus and Peter: "You'd think he'd at least try and hex Snivellus into a pile of sludge or something for messing about with his hairdo."

Remus nodded. It was most certainly not like Sirius. The Sirius they knew would have stormed at Severus and tried to rip the bloke's hair out for doing this. His hair was something Sirius loved and worshiped. No one ruined his hair and got a away with it.

But Peter was a bit less suspicious. "I'm sure he's fine. He probably has a major scheme cooking up in his mind. Snape will never know what hit him." He eagerly nodded his head as if it would make his point more clear to the other two.

"But he always shares his diabolical plans with us. Especially when it involves Snivellus," James said with a whiny tone.

"Think about it, Prongs," told Peter, "he probably wants to get back at him himself. We all know that you'd butt in and ruin his plans."

"Could be," Remus said, "but whether Sirius is going to publicly humiliate Severus or not, it is really none of our business. His hair, his call." He stood up and patted James on his back: "I know it's hard for you, but stay away this time. Trust Sirius's judgment."

James pouted but slowly rose as well. "Fine, I'll try."

Peter followed the suit and the three of them left the Great Hall among many other students who were now full and ready to hit the sack. They had their first day of school ahead of them and being dead sleepy wasn't exactly the right way to start it.

But the day was not over yet for at least three of the students. In a broom closet on the fourth floor, Severus and Regulus were enjoying each other's presence. Severus had followed the younger bloke and had tried to lift the hex Sirius had kindly placed on Regulus. It was no use though, he figured Sirius had made the spell last for at least 24 hours. How typical of him, Severus thought. He had cursed the Gryffindor for the past half and hour, but was now trying to focus on Regulus, the Black that mattered.

Sirius had been wandering around the castle, trying to calm his nerves. Though he still had the colorful ribbon hair, no one dared to make fun of him because of the expression on his face. The whole student body knew the notorious pissed-off-Marauder look and preferred to save their butts by avoiding him.

The corridors were almost empty anyway as the curfew was due. Something like that could never make a Marauder worry- they knew all the secret passages in the school and could hide themselves even without James' invisibility cloak.

Suddenly, Padfoot heard weird noises. Noises like someone moaning in pleasure. Then he heard his little brother's voice coming from a broom closet nearby. He walked straight to the closet and opened the door.

The sight was the oddest ever. His little brother was sitting on the floor, still wearing the big hair (Sirius had made sure that it couldn't be fixed in 24 hours) and other than that, only light blue underwear, similar to the one he had gotten from Severus. There was a text on it. It read: I belong to Prince S. Behind Regulus stood Severus Snape, who was giving his despised sibling a neck massage.

Sirius was deranged, he couldn't believe his eyes. How could they do this? He and Severus just went their different ways. He shouted: "You bitch! You gave him," he pointed at Regulus, "the Panties, with the capital P! That was our thing."

Severus snorted: "Our thing? OUR thing? You gave up our things when you denied me." He was insulted. When will that little puppy learn that Severus Snape was not something he could own?

Sirius hissed: "You'll pay, I promise." He turned around to leave but added before closing the door, "Oh, and Reggie. Do cover yourself up. You look hideous without your clothes." With that he slammed the door shut, leaving Severus growl and Regulus trying to calm his 'Sevie-poo' down.

Meanwhile, the other three Marauders were sitting on their beds in their room. They rarely went to sleep before midnight, besides, Sirius wasn't there yet. So they decided to keep themselves busy until the last Marauder was safely tucked up in bed.

James sat up in his bed and yawned as he had conjured another firework with his wand. He was dead bored and he was driven to the point when he would have sold his liver if he only could do something besides watching Remus read and Peter snooze.

"Oy, Pete!" James yelled and smirked when the boy woke up with a startle. "If you want to sleep, then just sleep, mate. I hate seeing you peck like a bird with your head."

Peter waved James off and closed his eyes again. "I just keep my eyes closed, that does not mean I'm sleeping." Honestly, James could be so unreasonable from time to time.

"Why?" James frowned. He was like a small child who asks questions in order to keep himself entertained.

"Why what?"

"Why do you keep your eyes closed?"

"I'm thinking."

"Of what?"

"None of your business, Prongsie."

"Why?"

"Will you two just shut it? I'm trying to read here," Remus said with a pinch of annoyance in his tone. He was generally a very relaxed bloke, but James was the only one who really knew how to strike his nerves.

James crossed his arms and huffed: "You can very well read in the common room, wolf-man."

"James," said Remus warningly. He hated when James brought the subject of his 'hairy problem' up.

"Remus," James mocked his tone.

"James!" Remus growled. He knew that this was the part where mister James Potter, the ever-so-cool-and-too-sexy-for-everyone Gryffindor quidditch captain, started acting like a spoiled brat.

"Remus!" squealed James in response.

Peter smirked, his eyes still closed, and stretched a bit. "Is this going to take a whole hour like the last time?" he asked, amused.

"I sure hope not," Remus laughed and returned to his book.

James shut his eyes and cried out: "You never want to play with me, uncle Remus. You hate me!" When Remus snorted, but didn't pay anymore attention to him, James gave up. "You're no fun. Where's Sirius?"

"He's your once removed twin, you ought to know," Remus said and grabbed a bar of chocolate from his pocket. "A treat, anyone?" Chocolate always distracted James, that was one of the main reasons Remus always carried a bar with him.

Peter slowly shook his head when James attacked the chocolate with a hungry glance in his eyes.

"Obviously you have forgotten all about the lack of Sirius," Remus grinned.

"Sirius-who?" James chomped the chocolate with an oblivious, but happy look on his face. Remus could now return to his book, Peter 'meditate' and James could stare into oblivion while munching on the chocolate Remus had given him.

The tranquility didn't last for long. When James had eaten the last piece of chocolate, he continued pestering his mates. "What are you reading?"

"Shut it, James."

"What's that?"

"James..."

"Yeeeees?"

"Shut it."

James was looking over Remus's shoulder, trying to annoy the werewolf. His plan was working. Remus was becoming extremely peeved, but he held himself back. It's not worth it, he kept telling himself. It sort of became like a mantra.

"But uncle-"

"What did I say?"

"'Shut it'," said James and with a disappointed look on his face, he returned to his armchair. "Why do you have to be such a crouch?" Remus opened his mouth the reply, but James cut him off. "Were you hung dry this summer?" he said with a twinkle in his eye.

Remus rolled his eyes: "That, my dear Prongs, is really not your business."

"That means you haven't gotten any."

"It does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not."

"Does too."

Peter laughed: "Will you two just stop it? I'm getting a headache just by listening this."

"Stop whining, Petey," James poked Peter with his wand. "I know why you're whining. You haven't gotten any, either."

"Stop calling me that. And for your information, I've gotten plenty," Peter smirked. "And no poking!" He grabbed his wand and held it out like a sword.

"Really?" James arched his left eyebrow and the two boys started a wand fight. "So, who did you shag this summer?"

"Like I'm going to tell you, the King of Gossip," Peter laughed.

"What? The King of Gossip? When did I ever gossip and leak your secrets?" James conjured an innocent face.

Remus snorted: "Oh, I don't know, maybe the time you told everyone about Sirius's crush on Minnie."

"Or when, in our first year, you told everyone about my teddy," Peter continued, "people laughed at me for weeks. As if none of them had a childhood memento for good luck." He crossed his arms and pouted.

"And the party you threw in the Entrance for me in the third year after I had," Remus coughed but didn't finish his sentence as the other blokes already remembered what the event was.

"And the time-"

"Yeah, I get it," James huffed, when Peter defeated him by taking his wand. "But you can tell me this secret. I promise I'll-"

"Never tell this to another living soul," Peter ended James's sentence. "I've heard that one a million times. Guess what, mate, I'm not falling for this again." He used to both wands to poke James and drive him back to his bed.

They were interrupted by Sirius who stamped in with the look of pure hatred on his features. He sat down on his bed and announced: "From this day forth, I will make Severus Snape's life a pure hell. I shall never transform again if I don't." Then he took his wand and got rid of the pom-pom hair.


End file.
